grrrr,,,there's something infernally irritating inside me which refuses to let me soak in the greys....just doesnt let me wallow in the s-p stuff anymore...time was when i could actually fill reams in my old diary when the greys invaded...and what cheesy beauties I could turn out, man!.....but this is unpardonable. just when i think ok my self-esteem is promising to recede a bit and I can happily contemplate my navel in that beautiful mood called a depression, this stupid thing bounces me back...i mean, not to let a person enjoy their angst in peace!! i know just who the wretched evil green goblin is...its my Ego...never stays down, just can't understand when its been beaten and should just go and lick its wounds in a corner...

i remember telling somebody ages ago that I am depressive and have suicidal thots...and he just plain refused to believe me...tho one old palm-reader chap who doubled up as a sari-shop owner did gauge as much...gave me some home-truths tho a bit of what he predicted didnt exactly turn out the way he said but most, yes. funny guy.

i'm pretty possessive about my sadness...its mine alone...it enriches me and makes me more connected with Me...it defines me as much as my crazy guffaw does, if not more.

something so focused, intense, proud and pure about sadness...not like happiness which is scattered, ditsy and shared with the world at large...it has inspired ppl to churn out works of art and dramatically driven them to madness...who has ever gone mad with happiness?!!?

i want to drown in the stuff and plumb the depths again...inshallah!