this just killed me :-))

so i log onto yahoo messenger thinking i will find some pal online...i did...some weird person i dont know buzzes me...did yesterday too, had ignored...got curious today...seems wants to know asl. now since i'm prone to cerebral blackouts, had no friggin idea what it meant...his stats were 16 m ind :-D politely told him off with scary cooked-up age factor...only to be invited for 'fun'...i say 'what?!!'...reply, hot chat.
the door bangs while i make my exit.

but guffawing all the way. seriously, me, hot chat? always a first for stuff...my insane curiousity wd have made me linger a lil longer...but didnt. chicken? not.
am not that ennuied too, tho. :-D

have a feeling this undefined object will be around when i login next. :-))

my day looks funnier already. thank you 16 m ind.

a post

something's wrong with this mouse.

hmm, interesting, all about an elephant.

an old tortoise rumored to be darwin's find died. reminds me of advaitya, the other relic that passed on to the beyond.

the title track of 'golmaal' is funny...the video's corny too...love the deadpan totally into the mood look on the guys...

why the %^576 am i blogging? its neither a habit, nor a social expression nor high art...just one of those things i sampled and return to erratically.

i bore me.

publish post, already.

...hanging by the coat-tails of a thought that is in a hurry to leave.

i feel like hugging the inventor(s) of aspirin/dispirin to bits... a day ago, had a monster momma of a side headache the epicentre of which seemed to be my right eyeball...the tremors were red hot...lots of stuff to do, people to attend to...popped one and kazoom, was at my genial best with nothing of the throbbing left behind. and what could have easily been moronic small-talk gibberish was actually intelligible. nothing short of a miracle, i say.
seems innocuous enuff, but being the melodramatic hag, i have to pump it up a few notches.
whats life without a lil drama...masala all the way.

**
tune in head - 'coconut woman is calling out...'...an old one from the crannies of the past...:-)

finally. talk about persistence. mittal-arcelor deal thru. merged entity to be called arcelor-mittal, 43 euros per share. biggest steel conglomerate...

the wind's going ballistic outside...hope it whips up a huge frenzy enuff for the rains to enter...its so hot, my hair's getting singed.

dont know how regularly i can visit you bloggie or the other spaces...monday, will see me slipping into another one of my roles...not a horrible thot but just won't be the same. and then it will be time for the move. so i can hope to resume my me-ness here when i'm settled (?) in the new zone.

~ change is a constant.

yes, theres still tomorrow.

gems, that came my way...

Everything in this world into which there is only one way to arrive,
but so many ways to leave,
that it makes us different people.
A public place, this world, and one doesn't always know
whether this is what is called a room, and whether this room
is growing darker, by gusts.

- Paavo Haavikko (Finland)

I've stayed here; haven't bothered to go
or come either. Sometimes I've wished
going and coming would end.
But ending is like beginning -
a going and a coming. On his deathbed
Meister Eckhart was asked by his acolyte:
'Master, I have to know, where are you going?'
'No need to go anywhere,' Eckhart said.

- Mirrka Rekola (Finnish)

grrrr,,,there's something infernally irritating inside me which refuses to let me soak in the greys....just doesnt let me wallow in the s-p stuff anymore...time was when i could actually fill reams in my old diary when the greys invaded...and what cheesy beauties I could turn out, man!.....but this is unpardonable. just when i think ok my self-esteem is promising to recede a bit and I can happily contemplate my navel in that beautiful mood called a depression, this stupid thing bounces me back...i mean, not to let a person enjoy their angst in peace!! i know just who the wretched evil green goblin is...its my Ego...never stays down, just can't understand when its been beaten and should just go and lick its wounds in a corner...

i remember telling somebody ages ago that I am depressive and have suicidal thots...and he just plain refused to believe me...tho one old palm-reader chap who doubled up as a sari-shop owner did gauge as much...gave me some home-truths tho a bit of what he predicted didnt exactly turn out the way he said but most, yes. funny guy.

i'm pretty possessive about my sadness...its mine alone...it enriches me and makes me more connected with Me...it defines me as much as my crazy guffaw does, if not more.

something so focused, intense, proud and pure about sadness...not like happiness which is scattered, ditsy and shared with the world at large...it has inspired ppl to churn out works of art and dramatically driven them to madness...who has ever gone mad with happiness?!!?

i want to drown in the stuff and plumb the depths again...inshallah!

so, what are the chances of getting killed by lightning gone amok? plenty, it seems...69 people dead in maharashtra...one girl with her buddies strolling on chowpatty...must have had paani puri and never thot she'd be blitzed the next second...the rest were mostly poor farmers who had no option but to be out working....

open areas are highly unsafe in thunderstorm-prone areas...not to make light of the deaths that happened,,,but if there was in my neck of the woods, thats where you'd find me...out in the open. yes, maybe its a death wish-self-destruct-mode-what-have-you...but theres something so sexy and wild about storms...nature at her freakiest best...

my mum tells me about how once decades ago, while at work, she saw a lightning ball enter the room she was in with her colleagues, slither through and go through the roof leaving a gaping hole behind!!! oooh...talk about making an entry!

I miss my Discovery Travel n Living....stoopid cablewalah says some glitch at the backend...miss all the fantastic travel, lifestyle, food and makeover stuff on it...mostly miss the armchair travelling to weird lil places of this wonderful planet, we call home... :-(

anyway, tomorrow's another day...

so, will it be tharoor or the thai, or the srilankan or the korean? pakistan as usual ready for the "me too or else" routine. the SG or the permanent seat. choices, gambles, stakes.

passive euthanasia...right to live and die on your own terms...with dignity. sticky subject for some. a no-brainer for others. active euthanasia, stretches it further.

a major squall, hailstones, rain in sheets, the wind going wild yesterday evening. today its a lovely overcast cool morning...waiting for the rain and yet not, cos once it does, the sun will be worse.

*
no rain, the sun's out...bummer.

mahajan jr shaved and scrubbed holds forth, i am innocent. yeah right, even tho the CFSL report says lots of interesting stuff in his innards...even tho, the zaroo guy who now says he was tortured let the whole bunch of cats out of the bag on day 1 of the breaking news itself...oh well, it will all be forgotten soon after many more damage control exercises and cover-ups. another day, another scandal.

wonder where all the missing/ gumshuda people are...ran away, eloped, abducted, killed or wandering around mentally unhinged? the strays that just vanish into oblivion.

'omkara', 'corporate' - seem to be promising flicks...

thots, some

we grow older and wiser. its a good thing. acrimony, hostility, stress is replaced by cordiality and even likeability. the essential factor remains space. respect the other's Otherness. as close as we can get to miracles.

Time is the great healer, the great leveller. Life a bitch, the greatest teach anyone can ever have. No bunking her classes or talking back to her.

Attitudes change, people mellow and don't mind sitting near each other on the same bench. is it a realization of the finality, the ephemeral nature of it all? or are we all basically decent creatures couched inside all the opinionated noise.

its a human instinct to be liked and to like. some extend that to a huge mass, some restrict to a few and some like themselves too much to bother with the rest. i kinda identify with the last of the above-mentioned. Maybe am wrong, and the way the rest perceive me is as the first or, more likely, the second.

am fascinated and amused by how seriously ppl take themselves, striving to be be cool...not reply to mails, smses, calls, no time for a smile, walk about looking highly busy and be so 'with it'. i guess that makes me like the queen of uncool. and i kinda like that :-)

fakes, prigs, pompous asses amuse me too. i like observing them and dissecting their being with my scalpel, all strewn out on the table. and once i lose interest, i just sweep the bits away into the trash can.

bullies just plain irritate me. i have no interest in knowing what kind of a dysfunctional childhood they had or the medication they are on.

i would have been a good criminal psychologist i think. or a psychiatrist. the dark gritty side of the psyche...the underbelly of sanity as we label it. maybe next time.

a stray

so i play truant again...and stay true to myself...well, to give the devil (moi) its due, i am almost through with the book. love it, one i can visit again, when in the mood to.....i will finish it in a day or two.

went through a battery of medical chkup tests today...pretty humbling...all, well, almost all, parts and orifices prodded and peered into...deep breath, leave it,,,thats your kidney...your bladder's full....have a great trip. see you!

the sly lil bladder when ready to send forth the deluge makes you realize that nothing else matters...only those precious seconds... :-) and what a feeling of bliss and contentment it is.

football's all over the place...and i watch, clutching my adrenalin and leaving my to-dos behind...

a huge blanket of heat and dust lies over the city...where are the blessed rains?

the move looms in the horizon...uprooting almost...another continent. not like i havent travelled...and lived elsewhere...but this time was a long time away from that zone...grew roots, some. trepidation, excitement, sadness and not-knowingness.

change is always good...its movement, Life. better to Become than just Be. and this too shall pass.

the day we set forth marks time for the day of return. Point A to Point B...no in-between.

Will enjoy the ride and the mixed feelings...

okay, i've been flippantly unfaithful for some time now. the lil book i've been visiting so sporadically, accuses me of cruelty. admitted its not an easy read, but doesnt mean i emulate its weaving-in-and-out style! this blog and others have been eating way too much of my mindspace.

so i shall be faithful once more. will return to you bloggie when i'm done.

i sincerely hope i can keep this pledge, knowing my disposition and my general attitude towards discipline of any sort. the educators from my past can vouch for my anarchic existence.

just a passing thot>

its all in the mind, yes?...excitement, happiness, elation, sorrow, depression, nervousness are all the results of the right buttons being pushed by the bean on top...responding to the appropriate stimuli. clinical but documented. what of the beating thing then? does it just pump in and out. or is this all wrong...we are not just bunches of organs hung to a stick...there is something more to this carbon-based orgnsm?

darling blog, i will return, hopefully after accomplishing what i think i can right now.

peace.

hallelujah, it reached!! finally...just when i was about to launch a volley of invectives at the hapless customer service lady...not so hapless tho.

one itch resolved.

a huge itch to come.

hands, get ready to get busy.

i babble.

a fave during my angsty adolescence

The Old Stoic

Riches I hold in light esteem
And Love I laugh to scorn
And lust of Fame was but a dream
That vanished with the morn–

And if I pray, the only prayer
That moves my lips for me
Is–"Leave the heart that now I bear
And give me liberty."

Yes, as my swift days near their goal
'Tis all that I implore
Through life and death, a chainless soul
With courage to endure!

- my favourite Brontë. 1841.

snort...

and pay for it. rahul m's booked for the bars. seems like the one who really orchestrated the whole rave was the one who kicked the b. poor fardeen's old misdemeanour brought out of the attic.

cnn-ibn aired a piece on an underground rave party...urban youth consumers and peddlers...living on the edge...and dying too, eventually.

blue lady's going to enter after all. funny, after clemenceau was shown the darwaza. this one's a loaded mama...twice over or is it thrice.

am so obsessed with the way the baal has shaped up or not...its kinda college student-blunt meets mad thinker-jazz. maybe if i tear some out, it might end my fling.

../

am lucky i have the man i have.
we fight like mangy dogs, have slanging matches, have very different ideas on quite some things, have frosty periods of can't-stand-being-around-you, trample each other's collective set of nerves and ligaments, drive each other out of the roof. he is not perfect, and I am not even near the zone...opposites in quite some ways...hes dishy and i'm just about human to look at (on my bad days, even that is a feat to achieve).

theres a tiny bit in me he can't reach, ditto with him...that adds to the brew. it would be so boring if we knew each other to the last particle....i can't stomach ppl saying that they know each other inside out..that makes me claustrophobic....its like subsuming your 'I' into this larger organism...there shd always an 'I' left...so the 'We' can flourish. Space is vital.

Taking each other for granted, familiarity means the death of relationships...atleast in my book.

We started out as friends and that remains the base for all times. Our coming together for life was quite incidental and rather like last minute swerving...that we had soft spots for each other inside was a given though. Ppl at work were rather shellshocked with the announcement of our engagement...a friend was almost shattered...they thot we were just hanging around with each other..that was funny! :-)

We acted on impulse driven by the hots for each other and life unfolded - the script changed.

remembered watching 'sliding doors' ages ago...liked it, connected with its premise...the present split into two...parallel universe...what ifs. what if she didnt catch the train, what if she did. yes and no. two versions of what life can be, could be. funny-bitter.
paltrow was good...she pretty much always is, in a soft chic way...liked her in royal tenenbaums too..

another in the same genre...'me myself I'...good one too...makes me wonder what my other would be upto now... :-)

alternate reality and its what ifs...pretty identifiable with my life too...no CTRL Z here...'einmal ist keinmal' to quote kundera...destiny scripted by the decisions we take...or is it purely us?

++++

really miss val kilmer...always had a thing for him...cold, aloof, 'iceman'ish, sexy...loved him in doors, tombstone, the saint, batman even...last spotted him in the not-so-great alexander opposite another fave, jolie... like darryl hannah too....uma thurman in kill bill...

..john malkovich, gary sinise, gary oldman...all edgy ppl, not so mainstream...but oodles of talent.

suddenly, for an instant, i missed being a kid.

having two 'best friends', meeting up during the lunch break at school, the swings, make-believe games, huge fights, sulking patch-up sessions, secret notes, giggles, sharing secrets, candies, icecream, books, p-js, the crushes (oh SO MANY), devouring books, sports, schoolbus journeys, picnics, school farmhouse, laughter uncontrolled spontaneous. lost innocence. friends at home...yak sessions, walks, playing detectives, chhuppan-chhupai, oonch-neech ka something, chain, races...dreary tests and homework...the boys in my class...the bad uns and the nerds...wonder where they've all vanished to.

8th A :-) the best part of school...9th B, 10th B...

being grownup isnt fun like that...the fun's more conscious and deliberate...more sophisticated. more wary and with conditions and riders.

'this used to be my playground...'

hmm, wonder why 'yuva' didnt work. interesting premise, the three tracks well fleshed-out, music's pretty easy on the ears too. the three couples felt like solid couples too...kareena and vivek's young urbane not-so-sure-i-love-you track was quite identifiable and attractive...maybe the denouement didnt hold.

everytime they air songs from kuch kuch h h, i cringe, literally, and switch channels like a maniac...something so icky syrupy and dull and moronic abt it...HAHK, MPK, KKKK, KHNH all neatly filed under the same...

read RGV's interview abt how he wont be working with SRK after all...just not compatible.....two different planets...karan johar must be outraged, his idol not good enuff.

thank God for the bhatts and the Factory, ratnam, jha, bhandarkar, onir, rituparno g, n others...else we'd all be drowning in this sugary gossamer designer BS.

___

my hairdo isnt exactly what i thot it wd be ... it looked neat when straightened and blow-dried, the minute i washed it, it went back to being its difficult self. not bad either.

another first.
a catastrophe waiting to happen...

'rahul ne paani maang ke piya' - breaking news across channels.

a bunch of docs with name-plates, sitting at a conference briefing the ever-voracious media about the condition of rahul mahajan who most likely was bringing the roof down sloshed and stoned, and almost went over the edge. one of them, the lead chap, looks all bloated with self-importance, absolutely revelling in his new-found fame...he knows the scribes can't get enuff of him.

next update on his bowel movement, much-awaited. we have all the channels clogged for today...until the next rain-induced infrastructure calamity footage in mumbai tomorrow maybe...

what a frigging farce....a circus...emaciated kids dying in africa, dirt-poor parents selling their kids so they can have a future and what does the media salivate on? a man caught up in his own bingeing!! yes, he was to immerse his ashes just the day after and yes he was to be anointed as a political heavyweight courtesy his father's dramatic end...does that justify the breath by breath tracking...?

its a never-ending conundrum...the hacks presume to be satiating the viewers so their TRPs inflate...the viewers, not given much of a choice or education in the matter, latch on and slobber on....where does it end...

***

finally got a haircut...feels so much liter....all my tresses on the floor...some streaked some black...looks suspiciously like my last one...wanted a different one...hmm, maybe next time...

the 'jumme raat' song from 'phir hera pheri' is so corny...the video cracks me up...and the song's kinda silly-catchy too... :-D

my package hasn't reached...am so disgusted with ppl...it started out as my big goof-up, giving the old address...but i did correct my wrong...hope it reaches in this millenium...buggers!!!!

the weather is just downright sexy right now in my place...raining, dark, rumbling thunder, smell of wet earth, people happy, flora and fauna happy....let it rain for days, i say!!!!
smother the sun...let him take a grand lil vacation like i did...

bliss.

a piece of heaven!

...a quick getaway to the hills...a tiny place called dagshai in himachal...an army cantonement area..a hamlet nestling in the shivalik ranges...no net, no blog, no calls (tho there was network and i got some missed calls), no tv (the cable was on the fritz)...just nature up close and the entire family (mine).

rambo the quirky dog and his naps and his sudden bursts of adrenalindriving away the hordes of impertinent monkeys that would take over the cottage and raid the food...our trek through the long winding roads with amazing views...family bonding time...the toy train snaking its way in the hills bang opposite...the exotic birds...the old cemetery peopled with the british dead from the 19th century...lots of chai...absolute bliss.

though the drive was pretty exhausting what with the heat and dust...but once we entered 'the' zone, it felt gorgeous. and it rained like a monster just half an hour after we all touched down. nothing to beat some heavy rains in the mountains.

returned to dreary reality. lots of laundry, lots of dust in the house, bills to be paid and other to-dos.

Gosh...i miss that place already.