./././

to float and yet have a part that holds you back.
the heavy bit, the ugly bits...the insignificance of it all and yet, the scar remains. it would be so much easier to just accept it as *the script*, good or bad, uncomfortable or peachy.

what is can't be undone...what's lost is gone forever but what stays is stronger.

it really doesnt matter...it is worthless but it still matters. memories and bonds which will endure through all dimensions...atleast as long as I am.

but the scar remains. it could have been better. it could have been more seamless. but this is the script I...we got. live with it and improvise.

at crossroads

heading for a milestone. I feel adventurous, giving in to my impulse again. the bigger picture is what worked for me...after 3+ years of taking a backseat, will get back to the 8 hour grind again. a wise decision? debatable, given some of the adjustments that need to be made. but I'm doing what I've always done. jumped when I felt like it. proving to my self. and other reasons...deeper.

here's to Change and a whole new chapter. Will see where this ride takes me now.

Cheers!

...

my dad's missing all the action today...the great democratic circus that's being played out to a full gallery...the confidence motion that will decide if the government stays, to push the N-deal. every humble MP counts, however dubious he may be. accusations of horse-trading, ministerial berths being used as bait, and such flying around.

Dad would have relished this political melee and we would be discussing all the twists, turns and cul-de-sacs that have shown up...he was for the deal, as am I.

If it goes through, I will smile for him...not that the deal's a rosy one all through, but it will prove immensely significant in the country's life-story, hopefully in a positive way.

I miss my friend. :-)

zilch, still

no, I havent abandoned you, not yet. Just don't have anything to say.


maybe its because my real life makes me write so much, lately...could be.

or maybe its because life is the same, as usual though each day has its ups and downs...its not even boring enough to elicit a post.


but I havent abandoned you. no. not yet.

.

I haven't moved an inch since. Life grabs my hand and drags me along. 4 months now. doesnt matter, 4 years, 40 years, it will still feel the same. milestones will be crossed. but time will stay frozen at that very moment.

here and now. that's all there is.

Saw this quote somewhere and loved it, obviously. :-)
'The barn burnt down. Now I can see the moon.'

kill the noise

hype noise gas chatter inane wheels turning revenue hype moolah

the olympic torch arrives in the city and the salivating media pounces for a blow by blow account of whos protesting, how much of police bandobast, who's for, who's against, who's fainted...waiting with bated breath for some blood, for some rage to spill so their TRPs skyrocket...who fuels this obese ravenous hype machine...you and I or is that just a clever and convenient smokescreen. does a torch need humongous amount of security, why not let the distraught Tibetan protesters do their thing by the side, and let the media occupy the middle, noman's land...the huge army of cops swarming all over the place, choking Rajpath, tense and rubbing their hands and lathis in anticipation. so then what about all the murders, road rage madness, drunk driving accidents, assaulted children and women that dominate the front pages and always will.

the IPL circus, another hype exercise gone mad...who's the richest, who has the biggest movie star on their side, who's going to sell the tickets the most. so then what about the game.

--

while she hums.

blah di blah

so, i finally meet the ipod nano. a tiny cute thing that packs a punch. we eyed each other, it and i. hope this friendship sustains; seems promising. :-)

--

its funny how us women can discuss n admire another of our gender without sounding remotely gay. despite the world going dizzy with the tumbling metrosexual, unisexual blah blah labels and tags, its still rare to find two guys dissecting another with considerable interest. unless they are, well, gay.

thot

thunder's muttering...getting a bit dark, just 3.37 in the PM. temperature's come down quite some notches thanks to the short wet, windy spells.

this year's full of changes. Change the only constant, a cliche worn threadbare.

-\\

am really running out of captions, titles. hmmm.


-


Time does not heal. Time's brilliant at covering up, yes.

milestone revisited

drown the silence in laughter, chatter, noise, to-dos, trivia. open the door to the crowd. do as life bids. change, evolve. try not to dwell on the little red box in a corner, always there. A pointer, a sign that change is inevitable. dont take life lightly. dont take life seriously. the doppelganger, well, that's another story.
end of Part 2 of this story and the ending is still so fresh. Time. The greatest force ever. This is but a second in eternity though the days seem to have feet of lead sometimes.
In moments of solitude, yes, think, wonder, shout silently, analyse, reflect, heavy, numb, bemused, incredulous, lost, strong.
...

I had an antipathy to wearing green. this year i wore green once. still not a favourite. white's a colour I am seriously not into. It washes me out, still not an option.

....

the more chipped, dogeared, faded, wornout, scribbled it is, the sweeter the memory.

i see she's carved her name on the dresser by the mirror and smile, it will stay like the grubby marks left behind by all the silly, then profound and precious, bits n bobs I put up on the lil cupboard's doors, way after I'd ripped them off, the one I had aeons ago, my refuge from the world...

---

i love strangeness...sound corny when i write it so. meeting and connecting, if briefly, with strangers, picking up strange books that probably nobody's ever read, seeing strange films that might not be classics or blockbusters, having strange experiences, strange alleys, corners and places, storms...

in the park

sitting there today in the morning on the green bench near the old gnarled leafless tree, with the rather mild sunshine and the crazy cold wind playing tag, the heaps of mud from the digging, people walking to and fro, the squirrel...not a cloud in the sky...I realized what I should have.
there are no answers, atleast not the kind i'm looking for. all the tomes and papers and opinions of the exalted (spiritual, scientific, philosophical) mean nothing. they are just words in the end. nobody knows. it's a farce if you look at it but that's what it is and will be. looking within might give me strength cos looking without sure hasnt. the finality of it all is amazing and stupefying. but that's how its meant to be. we come and then we go, we become memories, photographs, emails, some remnants, anecdotes. we leave and there is nothing. just that...nothing.
foolish to hope for more, for any afterlife, any connection - paranormal, supernatural blah blah. it's all in the mind, in this other thing that's called our consciousness which gets switched off once the body is brought to nought. that is the truth.
I look at nature, at its humblest and its grandest specimens and I derive strength as I have for long. they go on, self-sufficient, with their many losses and yet hurrying through the cycle themselves, with the flow, doing what they do till they can do it. Nature, the cosmic power, that we think drives the show is indifferent, detached and ruthless. no miracles, no acts of faith, just random quirks or deviations from the norm. its us petulant humans that try and read between the lines, the acts, the words, the idols and that which we call faith.
yes, hope is and will always be immensely vital for the existence of my species, more so than the native primal survival instinct all living beings are armed with. it can stretch absurdly to self-delusion, false promises...

I realized something and I got a cold hard strength from it, but not even a morsel of comfort. the randomness, the indifference, the farcical nature of this whole show, the drama and yet the matter-of-factness. cold clinical awesome awful unfathomable pluses and minuses. one by one.

all there is, is this lifetime, this tenure to do and feel and collect and connect all we can. its easy to realize and say, I shouldnt take life and the ones in it for granted but after a pause, I will continue to do so...that's how it is.

Carpe diem before the curtains come down, once and for all.

I like...!

stumbled onto yael naim...nice!

hmm...

maybe we're somebody's Second/Third/n Life.

there is, absolutely, no arguing with death.

snap.

that's it then. cables. :-D

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080201/ap_on_hi_te/internet_outages_cables;_ylt=Aoje3fJwoB1K3W3evsyWE71k24cA

...

have had rather interesting vivid dramatic OBEs in the not-so-distant past. am not the only one who has such as it turns out. the catalyst could be sleep-deprivation, a highstrung mind, whatever...but the next time, I know exactly where I'll be headed. :-)

a meeting and disappearing, profound

so this is how it feels. losing a loved one to the inevitable, the one that waits for all of us. the whole process unwound in front of my eyes, the last few days in particular. I watched and still hoped that it would be cheated, and it was, for atleast a couple of times. but the final act ended with a slight smile, a lightness, a slipping of the ties and bonds and loneliness and attachment, a transcendental experience for the one who left.

my first up and close encounter with death has left me intrigued, puzzled, outraged, knocked in the ole solar plexus, and at the same time, powerless.

I'm torn between two, as usual...one that says there's nothing now, vaporised, vacuum. the other, more strident and convincing, says a) there is another dimension where we will eventually meet and catch up...b)per the Gita, since the clothes have been discarded, another role's been assumed somewhere and hence there will not be a meeting soon, till all the mortal coils and cycles of existence have been churned through, for both of us.

I often feel through this hangover period that death might be a portal to the great beyond, the other dimension(s). and the day we silly humans, who can only cluck frantically, speculate on the very meaning of life, realize or are furnished the truth behind this final(?) journey, will signal the highest evolution of the human life form on this watery planet. then alone might our candidacy be considered for the premium club of the big players, nay maybe merely the next level of intelligent life forms in the cosmos.

we're still too green around the years but I wouldnt put anything past my species. through trials and misses and groping in the dark and simulations, we might just be getting closer to the jewel.

if he could and if he were allowed to communicate, we would be discussing this rather strange phenomenon, like we did everything else. yes, we did chat about the Gita, death, life, existence, cosmos, paranormal but then it was in more mundane circumstances. I miss you my friend, my father. but I have a hunch, you are not too far away, you are immersed in some other dimension's chores. maybe you miss me and all of us like we miss you.

the not knowing is worse than the fact that we shall never meet again in this world. never. wow.

life must and will be led to its natural conclusion. and I will feel blessed in the days, weeks, months, years to come that I had you for my father. :-)