Thursday, January 31, 2008

a meeting and disappearing, profound

so this is how it feels. losing a loved one to the inevitable, the one that waits for all of us. the whole process unwound in front of my eyes, the last few days in particular. I watched and still hoped that it would be cheated, and it was, for atleast a couple of times. but the final act ended with a slight smile, a lightness, a slipping of the ties and bonds and loneliness and attachment, a transcendental experience for the one who left.

my first up and close encounter with death has left me intrigued, puzzled, outraged, knocked in the ole solar plexus, and at the same time, powerless.

I'm torn between two, as usual...one that says there's nothing now, vaporised, vacuum. the other, more strident and convincing, says a) there is another dimension where we will eventually meet and catch up...b)per the Gita, since the clothes have been discarded, another role's been assumed somewhere and hence there will not be a meeting soon, till all the mortal coils and cycles of existence have been churned through, for both of us.

I often feel through this hangover period that death might be a portal to the great beyond, the other dimension(s). and the day we silly humans, who can only cluck frantically, speculate on the very meaning of life, realize or are furnished the truth behind this final(?) journey, will signal the highest evolution of the human life form on this watery planet. then alone might our candidacy be considered for the premium club of the big players, nay maybe merely the next level of intelligent life forms in the cosmos.

we're still too green around the years but I wouldnt put anything past my species. through trials and misses and groping in the dark and simulations, we might just be getting closer to the jewel.

if he could and if he were allowed to communicate, we would be discussing this rather strange phenomenon, like we did everything else. yes, we did chat about the Gita, death, life, existence, cosmos, paranormal but then it was in more mundane circumstances. I miss you my friend, my father. but I have a hunch, you are not too far away, you are immersed in some other dimension's chores. maybe you miss me and all of us like we miss you.

the not knowing is worse than the fact that we shall never meet again in this world. never. wow.

life must and will be led to its natural conclusion. and I will feel blessed in the days, weeks, months, years to come that I had you for my father. :-)

4 comments:

ffflaneur said...

how strange indeed : " a transcendental experience for the one who left" versus the bewildering experience of loss for those who remained.

but perhaps indeed, one distant day, our speculating species will be able to grasp these transcendental truths while still alive.

in the meanwhile, there's the courageous last paragraph, and so brave a closing :-)

Phoenix said...

:-) thanks, dear ffflaneur. a courage/stoicism rather whimsical, to be honest.

qsg said...

Hugs.

Phoenix said...

thanks, qsg. :-)