self, tripping

2010-10-24T19:45:00.002+05:30

her face a blur, neon light smudges, the rain rattled its monologue, regardless...

something at the very core hasnt changed. the third one from the bottom has. flux. a coldness. and still the fiery spikes.

on a rollercoaster. headed somewhere. twists and turns. the journey continues. inward. outward.

the note versus the post

2009-09-17T11:29:00.003+05:30

posted this as a note on FB some days back. realized I have somehow done injustice with my old faithful blog by opting the 'note' to the 'post'. And injustice I can not brook. Hence...

All hail the script!

At age 35, I look back (I usually don't, this here is a rare moment, thoda sa roomani ho jaye etc) and see the distance I have traversed. It has been quite a ride with more than a few twists and turns. ‘Kahani mein twist’. Changes where least expected. Uncharacteristic decisions. Unexplainable, unmitigated Loss that changed life forever. Gains. Beautiful memories that stay suspended, forming a parallel dimension that I can sneak into, when reality gets murky, or worse, algae-d. And the in-between.

Not exactly a potboiler, but decent screenplay, totally. If I were sure I would be living into my 70s, I could say with confidence that half my life is over. In these longevity-challenged times, it would be ambitious to predict thus. But I digress...so, if half my life is over, do I have an interesting enough story to show for it? I say, I do, though the oomph factor isn’t exactly burning a hole through the roof. Oh well, maybe next time.

We all have our stories.

My dad had one (I loved gobbling what he told me of it and made him repeat anecdotes from his childhood, youth and working life), so does my mom (I keep telling her to document it, like I did my dad, but they both prefer to actually live, and at times, relive their stories…fair enough).

The dude on a bike trying to zoom over a red light on his way to work, but is actually ramming into a Tavera, does. The corporate-to-a-T BlackBerried girl with her coiffed hair and manicured air does. Some stories are more dramatic than others, but we all have one. Faces in the crowd, some more revealing than others.

They say, people come into our lives for a reason, good or bad. I agree. Our stories are populated with characters - some get lost on the way, some accompany us beyond Time and dimension, some resurface in serendipitous ways. Others decide to hang around on the periphery, purely out of social obligations. They all leave traces – faint or indelible.

But in the end, it is (like I am so fond of repeating ad nauseam to anyone who will suffer me) all about the script, really.

Karma, destiny, free will, what have you, all built into the plot, beautifully. Mini/abridged Mahabharatas, Ramayanas, Odysseys... Life and its flip sibling Death insist on having the final word though, across narratives.

My dad, the wind beneath my wings, always wanted me to write a book, he thought I could probably weave a story.

Someday I might. Till then, I'll just continue living my story, like he did. On to Act 3, Scene 2.

--

back to the shell.

knots

2009-04-17T11:30:00.002+05:30

been a choppy phase the last some weeks...first, my kid and then the hubby got chickenpox...the former had a rather mild (tho still worrisome) episode, while the latter is still in the midst of the slump - nursing him back to health...we all lust for and dream of a break soon, in some wildlife resort or by the ocean or in some forgotten tucked away hill resort...ah.

being ill temporarily where one can do nothing but lie and contemplate the ceiling, changes one's perspective in life...I've had an event where I literally was only doing that for almost a month or so...not knowing if I could walk again and have a life I had...a freak incident that tested me and my family beyond the limits...have risen through it and cherish the experience as one that most of my peers wouldnt, and shouldnt, identify with.

life is like that...you bloody well have to be prepared for everything it throws at you. right in the middle of a dull plateau, boom, there's a vortex right below your feet that suck n drops you to the bottom of an abyss...somebody i know went through a similar experience...but the icky part was that it was somebody she called her partner, her life-companion who arranged for the sudden change in fortunes...shes a fighter and clawing her way back to a future full of hope.

another is stuck with a man whose idea of love is, in a word, sick...after years of abuse, and after she vented out her angst to a friend, she decides its not worth it...the stronger she gets, the more insecure, weaker, inferior he thinks he gets...and this is a very accomplished highly educated urban couple...she will hang on for the kid, but has resolved not to deny herself the right to live the way she wants to anymore...all living beings have the right to live the life they want to....tho its a cliche, freedom *is* everyone's birthright that some with their sick manipulative ways, deprive the ones they supposedly love or care for, of...that's not love, that's self-love and being a control-freak.

remembering you fondly...

2009-03-28T16:49:00.003+05:30

as you languish. life's crowded. no time to air my thoughts, that mad jumble, that ever-changing mercurial mass...have I changed? yes...I am resolute in living each second...not knowing where the next shall take me. curious as to how much more of the role's left...but not enough to stop and take stock.

ah, to fly...take wing and do cartwheels or just stay suspended in the heights...light and airy.

people often tell me to write...is there a book inside of me? maybe? but do I want to write? or am I being true to myself by denying the words...by letting them be in my sub-subconscious.

music - i have music in me...but I am not into it anymore.

pictures - I continue to spot frames and moments that could be captured. but I let them fade out in my mind's lens.

I am creative...without creating much. I am true to myself, this much I know.

if the self changes someday, I will follow.

2009-01-29T20:10:00.002+05:30

high and low...zipping by...pausing briefly, fondly...but always moving.

the more I scatter, the more 'I' withdraw.

strange fascinating experiences, connecting randomly...scatter generous happy flaky whacky trippin dancing

the journey mid-way...the road beckons...fog sunshine rain evening...the usual

living with a vengeance.

./././

2008-10-16T09:45:00.000+05:30

to float and yet have a part that holds you back.
the heavy bit, the ugly bits...the insignificance of it all and yet, the scar remains. it would be so much easier to just accept it as *the script*, good or bad, uncomfortable or peachy.

what is can't be undone...what's lost is gone forever but what stays is stronger.

it really doesnt matter...it is worthless but it still matters. memories and bonds which will endure through all dimensions...atleast as long as I am.

but the scar remains. it could have been better. it could have been more seamless. but this is the script I...we got. live with it and improvise.

at crossroads

2008-08-06T11:17:00.000+05:30

heading for a milestone. I feel adventurous, giving in to my impulse again. the bigger picture is what worked for me...after 3+ years of taking a backseat, will get back to the 8 hour grind again. a wise decision? debatable, given some of the adjustments that need to be made. but I'm doing what I've always done. jumped when I felt like it. proving to my self. and other reasons...deeper.

here's to Change and a whole new chapter. Will see where this ride takes me now.

Cheers!

...

2008-07-22T12:33:00.000+05:30

my dad's missing all the action today...the great democratic circus that's being played out to a full gallery...the confidence motion that will decide if the government stays, to push the N-deal. every humble MP counts, however dubious he may be. accusations of horse-trading, ministerial berths being used as bait, and such flying around.

Dad would have relished this political melee and we would be discussing all the twists, turns and cul-de-sacs that have shown up...he was for the deal, as am I.

If it goes through, I will smile for him...not that the deal's a rosy one all through, but it will prove immensely significant in the country's life-story, hopefully in a positive way.

I miss my friend. :-)

zilch, still

2008-07-17T17:36:00.000+05:30

no, I havent abandoned you, not yet. Just don't have anything to say.

maybe its because my real life makes me write so much, lately...could be.

or maybe its because life is the same, as usual though each day has its ups and downs...its not even boring enough to elicit a post.

but I havent abandoned you. no. not yet.

.

2008-05-09T11:38:00.001+05:30

I haven't moved an inch since. Life grabs my hand and drags me along. 4 months now. doesnt matter, 4 years, 40 years, it will still feel the same. milestones will be crossed. but time will stay frozen at that very moment.

here and now. that's all there is.

2008-04-28T11:29:00.000+05:30

Saw this quote somewhere and loved it, obviously. :-)
'The barn burnt down. Now I can see the moon.'

kill the noise

2008-04-17T15:51:00.000+05:30

hype noise gas chatter inane wheels turning revenue hype moolah

the olympic torch arrives in the city and the salivating media pounces for a blow by blow account of whos protesting, how much of police bandobast, who's for, who's against, who's fainted...waiting with bated breath for some blood, for some rage to spill so their TRPs skyrocket...who fuels this obese ravenous hype machine...you and I or is that just a clever and convenient smokescreen. does a torch need humongous amount of security, why not let the distraught Tibetan protesters do their thing by the side, and let the media occupy the middle, noman's land...the huge army of cops swarming all over the place, choking Rajpath, tense and rubbing their hands and lathis in anticipation. so then what about all the murders, road rage madness, drunk driving accidents, assaulted children and women that dominate the front pages and always will.

the IPL circus, another hype exercise gone mad...who's the richest, who has the biggest movie star on their side, who's going to sell the tickets the most. so then what about the game.

--

while she hums.

blah di blah

2008-04-11T16:57:00.000+05:30

so, i finally meet the ipod nano. a tiny cute thing that packs a punch. we eyed each other, it and i. hope this friendship sustains; seems promising. :-)

--

its funny how us women can discuss n admire another of our gender without sounding remotely gay. despite the world going dizzy with the tumbling metrosexual, unisexual blah blah labels and tags, its still rare to find two guys dissecting another with considerable interest. unless they are, well, gay.

thot

2008-04-04T15:36:00.000+05:30

thunder's muttering...getting a bit dark, just 3.37 in the PM. temperature's come down quite some notches thanks to the short wet, windy spells.

this year's full of changes. Change the only constant, a cliche worn threadbare.

-\\

am really running out of captions, titles. hmmm.

-

Time does not heal. Time's brilliant at covering up, yes.

milestone revisited

2008-03-17T15:32:00.000+05:30

drown the silence in laughter, chatter, noise, to-dos, trivia. open the door to the crowd. do as life bids. change, evolve. try not to dwell on the little red box in a corner, always there. A pointer, a sign that change is inevitable. dont take life lightly. dont take life seriously. the doppelganger, well, that's another story.
end of Part 2 of this story and the ending is still so fresh. Time. The greatest force ever. This is but a second in eternity though the days seem to have feet of lead sometimes.
In moments of solitude, yes, think, wonder, shout silently, analyse, reflect, heavy, numb, bemused, incredulous, lost, strong.
...

I had an antipathy to wearing green. this year i wore green once. still not a favourite. white's a colour I am seriously not into. It washes me out, still not an option.

....

2008-02-27T16:25:00.000+05:30

the more chipped, dogeared, faded, wornout, scribbled it is, the sweeter the memory.

i see she's carved her name on the dresser by the mirror and smile, it will stay like the grubby marks left behind by all the silly, then profound and precious, bits n bobs I put up on the lil cupboard's doors, way after I'd ripped them off, the one I had aeons ago, my refuge from the world...

---

i love strangeness...sound corny when i write it so. meeting and connecting, if briefly, with strangers, picking up strange books that probably nobody's ever read, seeing strange films that might not be classics or blockbusters, having strange experiences, strange alleys, corners and places, storms...

in the park

2008-02-12T11:04:00.000+05:30

sitting there today in the morning on the green bench near the old gnarled leafless tree, with the rather mild sunshine and the crazy cold wind playing tag, the heaps of mud from the digging, people walking to and fro, the squirrel...not a cloud in the sky...I realized what I should have.
there are no answers, atleast not the kind i'm looking for. all the tomes and papers and opinions of the exalted (spiritual, scientific, philosophical) mean nothing. they are just words in the end. nobody knows. it's a farce if you look at it but that's what it is and will be. looking within might give me strength cos looking without sure hasnt. the finality of it all is amazing and stupefying. but that's how its meant to be. we come and then we go, we become memories, photographs, emails, some remnants, anecdotes. we leave and there is nothing. just that...nothing.
foolish to hope for more, for any afterlife, any connection - paranormal, supernatural blah blah. it's all in the mind, in this other thing that's called our consciousness which gets switched off once the body is brought to nought. that is the truth.
I look at nature, at its humblest and its grandest specimens and I derive strength as I have for long. they go on, self-sufficient, with their many losses and yet hurrying through the cycle themselves, with the flow, doing what they do till they can do it. Nature, the cosmic power, that we think drives the show is indifferent, detached and ruthless. no miracles, no acts of faith, just random quirks or deviations from the norm. its us petulant humans that try and read between the lines, the acts, the words, the idols and that which we call faith.
yes, hope is and will always be immensely vital for the existence of my species, more so than the native primal survival instinct all living beings are armed with. it can stretch absurdly to self-delusion, false promises...

I realized something and I got a cold hard strength from it, but not even a morsel of comfort. the randomness, the indifference, the farcical nature of this whole show, the drama and yet the matter-of-factness. cold clinical awesome awful unfathomable pluses and minuses. one by one.

all there is, is this lifetime, this tenure to do and feel and collect and connect all we can. its easy to realize and say, I shouldnt take life and the ones in it for granted but after a pause, I will continue to do so...that's how it is.

Carpe diem before the curtains come down, once and for all.

I like...!

2008-02-11T10:39:00.000+05:30

stumbled onto yael naim...nice!

hmm...

2008-02-08T11:04:00.000+05:30

maybe we're somebody's Second/Third/n Life.

2008-02-06T16:26:00.000+05:30

there is, absolutely, no arguing with death.

snap.

2008-02-01T17:30:00.000+05:30

that's it then. cables. :-D

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080201/ap_on_hi_te/internet_outages_cables;_ylt=Aoje3fJwoB1K3W3evsyWE71k24cA

...

2008-02-01T16:13:00.000+05:30

have had rather interesting vivid dramatic OBEs in the not-so-distant past. am not the only one who has such as it turns out. the catalyst could be sleep-deprivation, a highstrung mind, whatever...but the next time, I know exactly where I'll be headed. :-)

a meeting and disappearing, profound

2008-01-31T17:22:00.000+05:30

so this is how it feels. losing a loved one to the inevitable, the one that waits for all of us. the whole process unwound in front of my eyes, the last few days in particular. I watched and still hoped that it would be cheated, and it was, for atleast a couple of times. but the final act ended with a slight smile, a lightness, a slipping of the ties and bonds and loneliness and attachment, a transcendental experience for the one who left.

my first up and close encounter with death has left me intrigued, puzzled, outraged, knocked in the ole solar plexus, and at the same time, powerless.

I'm torn between two, as usual...one that says there's nothing now, vaporised, vacuum. the other, more strident and convincing, says a) there is another dimension where we will eventually meet and catch up...b)per the Gita, since the clothes have been discarded, another role's been assumed somewhere and hence there will not be a meeting soon, till all the mortal coils and cycles of existence have been churned through, for both of us.

I often feel through this hangover period that death might be a portal to the great beyond, the other dimension(s). and the day we silly humans, who can only cluck frantically, speculate on the very meaning of life, realize or are furnished the truth behind this final(?) journey, will signal the highest evolution of the human life form on this watery planet. then alone might our candidacy be considered for the premium club of the big players, nay maybe merely the next level of intelligent life forms in the cosmos.

we're still too green around the years but I wouldnt put anything past my species. through trials and misses and groping in the dark and simulations, we might just be getting closer to the jewel.

if he could and if he were allowed to communicate, we would be discussing this rather strange phenomenon, like we did everything else. yes, we did chat about the Gita, death, life, existence, cosmos, paranormal but then it was in more mundane circumstances. I miss you my friend, my father. but I have a hunch, you are not too far away, you are immersed in some other dimension's chores. maybe you miss me and all of us like we miss you.

the not knowing is worse than the fact that we shall never meet again in this world. never. wow.

life must and will be led to its natural conclusion. and I will feel blessed in the days, weeks, months, years to come that I had you for my father. :-)

the year is dead; long live the year

2007-12-17T15:57:00.000+05:30

so. another year packs its bags. the chapter ends. a mixed bag as usual.

some really high highs and some really low lows. some of the lows were surprising and educational. the self learnt a few lessons and somewhere, still refuses to learn.

there are still a couple of greys that could be brightened up by a stroke of happiness and health...which might well be the case in the new chapter. Fingers crossed.

what of the future...never have thought too much about it...living so much for right now, this nanosecond. my life hasnt been exactly predictable, given the fact that I keep surprising myself with the decisions I make, pure impulse...but that's how it is. slippery. and constant evolution.

life is a journey. and what a trip, wooohoo!

grey gray

2007-12-01T17:23:00.000+05:30

its been a really foggy day today. its evening now but the fog refuses to take five. oh well we all have our days, don't we?

--

I'd say I'm an okay cook, with no particular passion for the craft...i like to eat good stuff, yes, but a foodie, not so much. Still, I looove to watch cookery shows and shows on travel-eating...am pretty indiscriminate in what I watch. It could be from any part of this globe, in any lingo and even if I dont get the instructions/ingredients, its OK, cause I dont intend to try any of that stuff on my own. I just love watching this stuff.

love this number

2007-11-22T11:29:00.000+05:30

2007-11-14T11:15:00.000+05:30

http://www.banksy.co.uk/outdoors/horizontal_1.htm

p.s. or maybe this goes under Duh!...?

2007-11-12T15:27:00.000+05:30

the notion that the female of the species is more sensitive, emotionally fragile, unable to move on blah blah is so so wrong.

words

2007-11-06T16:17:00.000+05:30

it was just a little while ago

almost dawn
blackbirds on the telephone wire
waiting
as I eat yesterday's
forgotten sandwich
at 6 a.m.
on a quiet Sunday morning.

one shoe in the corner
standing upright
the other laying on it's
side.

yes, some lives were made to be
wasted.

- Charles Bukowski

now that's a ride

2007-11-02T11:58:00.000+05:30

just stumbled upon this person's page through good ole flickr. amazing, he's pretty much doing what I've been fantastising about for donkey's years. Though I have travelled a bit and met different people, my collection hasnt been as comprehensive as I'd dream it to be. someday, yes.

he's squeezing the last drop from Life. cheers!

http://www.travbuddy.com/Vagabondatheart

a song

2007-10-25T14:48:00.000+05:30

there's this ooold song by Lobo (thanks much for the correction, methodactor!)that goes 'I love you too much to ever start liking you, so lets just let the story kinda end....'

funny thing is I know quite some people who've drifted apart and some of the halves feel exactly this way. love and like are two different things...like can morph into love...but can love morph into like? I guess it depends on the kind of person you are. Me? Not been there yet. but if I could hazard a guess, maybe not or yes, maybe...

Amore involves a more fatal chemical reaction that sort of glosses over the details....going back to 'like', would mean pulling it down a notch, going back to the drawing board and actually staring at the warts and moles and irritating tics...makes sense absolutely.

Love must end, go up in flames, vaporise, crash as love for some, a grand passion, if you will...that cannot be cooled down to a mild like. But there are cases of the other halves that still try to be friends, maintain a like, a bond, a connection, something to keep it alive.

Apart from just a single case of it being a man thing (personally vouched for), its mostly women who feel that strongly...since they plumb the depths and soar the heights on this magic carpet...and once the ride ends, want to see nothing of the carpet or the mess hiding under it.

funny.

:-D

2007-10-19T17:08:00.000+05:30

this one's too good. pretty identifiable for moms everywhere...and things almost everyone's heard as a kid too. :-D

http://www.parentdish.com/2007/09/30/video-i-am-the-mom-song/

idle notes to myself

2007-10-17T11:58:00.000+05:30

wouldnt it be great if there was a place, a zone, a moment, where one could be nothing. totally empty oneself of all the baggage, weight, commitments, faces, relationships and just be nothing. the virtual world, once mooted as an option, isnt really as detached, I find...there are repeat relationships, ephemeral roots, connections and stories...what I mean is maybe a booth, a spot on the beach, under the shade of some tree, in the middle of a downpour/storm, when one can be washed clean of everything...and float and soar and dive and do cartwheels...if only for a moment...the length of the moment, not defined...where nothing is defined...just an eternal feeling of unbeing, nothingness...when I can be what I really am...the spirit, the flame set free. A teaser of what awaits, maybe, once the fat lady sings.

pure detachment, is rarely tasted.

yawn

2007-10-10T16:58:00.000+05:30

the promos of the media-annointed 'hugely anticipated', 'clash of the titans' blah blah releases round the corner leave me stone cold, nay yawning my cranium off.

saawariya seems like another OTT, too much window dressing, fare from bhansali...he visualizes each of his frame as a painting and thats all it is...a beautiful but oh so boring painting...with the curl of hair, the zulf, just so...the cuteyoung boy and the damsel, the oh-so-prettydull gestures...all screams BORING.

Another huge bore-fest seems to be laaga chunari mein....i dont know abt the rest of the public, but the title track is so insipid and ghaseeta...nothing exciting abt the lead actors or the story either...the songs are dull.period.

om shanti om, retro on steroids, another mediocre time-pass, with the return of shah rukh khan's ham-ganger...yikes.

but hey, what do I know, yes? all 3 might make hay at the haloed BO which runs on the tried and tested, the formulaic algorithms.....

what seems interesting: no smoking, johnny gadaar, manorama 6 feet under...and bhool bhulaiya, tho I have seen the original malayalam movie more than once, which is an ace. akshay kumar sure is having fun, evolving...

2007-10-03T16:26:00.000+05:30

I'm SO in the mood for

a well-made

creature flick/disaster movie/sci-fi horror

or

best of all

an unadulterated spine-chilling, nightmare-producing, should-have-thought-better

*Horror* flick.

___

well..

2007-10-01T11:24:00.000+05:30

I never learn, do I? or maybe its just my true self...jumping all over the place and just a bit puzzled with the backfiring...I realize at some level, that though these shots come out duds, I am doing what my self purely thinks is right...in that moment, in that situation....maybe self-absorbed to the point of not gauging or actually, really giving a cupcake as to what the response will be, in that moment. I am my world, yes.

like a stubborn lil optimistic to the point of nausea pup who refuses to be or rather has no time to be cynical and or the cynical, knows the world through and through sardonic feline, leaps and lands on her feet...important, the last bit. cat on a hot tin roof, apt. A fave movie, btw...

I will do it again I know, goof-up, reach out and put both my feet in. take it on the chin, eat the dust and then rise, without a speck.

Testing my own limits, stretching the elastic, going down down down, plumbing the depths and soaring the next instant. the trajectory is not fixed, though some of the streets and alleys look familiar.

Its fun being me... ;-)

That was a match!

2007-09-26T11:15:00.000+05:30

Absobloodyfultoocrazybrilliant, knock my socks off amazing...loved every bit of the T20 final...my heart thumped and froze in turns like I bet zillions of others...Chak De India, totally!!! I was already on a high when we beat the frigging arrogant Aussies out of the game, go home kangaroos etc...that was the proudest...winning the cup was sheer genius.

That final ball, the catch and the huge shriek that came from the innards...fantastic...!!!!

The tv channels, the print media can't have enough of milking this one...and rightly so...the victory parade today, the Vijay Rath, the junta going delirious...euphoria, India ishtyle...

A turn of the wheel, a new chapter. Absolutely fantastic. :-)

again

2007-09-14T11:22:00.000+05:30

I love how I can step back and look at how I keep moulting and evolving (hopefully) in phases through my life.

right now, its this simplify my life phase, which involves getting real about facts and situations and not harbouring any illusions about stuff...stark and minimal...travelling so light, I could fly albeit with the requisite bit of earthing.

detached and attached and the in-between.

work in progress.

playtime

2007-09-01T20:16:00.000+05:30

*love* it....my kinda game, hyuk, hyuk :-D

http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/averyirritatinggame

never say never

2007-08-25T14:49:00.000+05:30

never thot I'd say this...but shahrukh khan looks really sexy and acts well too.

yup, saw bits of Chak De last night on cable...wish I could see all of it in the movie hall....

for a change he was actually the character...the angsty coach of the feisty wannabe women's hockey team and not the superinflated superhammy superstar pretending to be a Rahul or what was it, Raj ? etc....

loved him. loved the movie...loved the girls! and the music. Just the right amount of patriotic masala to get the old blood boiling...and predictably, totally fell for the sequence where the girls beat up some low lives.....was it cathartic, you bet your grandma's Vicks vaporub!

the last time I had good warm feelings for this guy was circa early '90s when he burst on the scene with Darr, Baazigar, Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa and even the gore-fest Anjaam...when he hadnt mutated into this androgynous lover boy candy floss-coming-out-of-my-ears creature...before the Karan Johar phase.

This is one movie and role he will and should be proud of, totally.

Definitely a must-watch. Paisa vasool and good cinema too.

p.s. maybe its the stubble and the un-effete wardrobe that helped? hmmm...

aaaaargh

2007-08-21T15:20:00.000+05:30

I am SOOOO pissed off, so irritated with a few people...I keep reading abt them, see their smug faces and idiotic soundbytes on the telly all day long, and I just keep hoping someone would just wipe them off the face of the earth...

out of nowhere, at a rather crucial time, the &^&*^* Left decides to pull the rug right from underneath our promising foreign policy....I mean WTF were they doing all this time...the deal's been hammered away at for close to 2 years now? and just when its almost sealed (the American cong needs to go thru the motions etc) they decide to let their blooming ideology which seriously has no place in the 21st century spoil the party. They are virtually Chinese agents, helping our neighbor without it even moving a finger.

we all know what this deal means...we piggyback to a larger role in global affairs, are assured more energy resources, and the US, yes gets its back scratched too by countering China's dominance with this rising tiger, India....thats what geopolitical affairs today are all abt: there are no free lunches...and when the deal has all the pluses that have been repeated ad nauseum in all the dailies and discussion forums on all the news channels, why suddenly drag your own country back 20 years?

Who are they fooling with the national sovereignty bit? Everyone knows they're pandering to China...since this deal (which incidentally and so ironically even China has signed) will bring abt some kind of a balance in the Asia-Pac zone...

On their own, they amount to ZILCH, just a handful which can be easily wiped out in any other state except Kerala and West Bengal...a handful of dinosaurs who would rather see India always as secondbest....so pathetic and so bloody maddening. They are enjoying their moment in the sun, the Yechuris, Bardhans, Karats etc....they are holding a country to ransom and getting more stubborn by the hour. I wish I could do something abt it...let the junta decide what is good for their nation, its not the Commies who decide what we need, with all their barely-hidden agenda and sabre-rattling abt national interests....

It will be terrifyingly disappointing if the deal doesnt go through....a golden chance, lost and all becos of some jerks who should have gone the dodo way, long ago.

I can't stand them and I'm sure there are millions of people like me right now. Wish we could do something.

saw this somewhere...

2007-08-09T15:19:00.000+05:30

“Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.” -- ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

loved it. :-D

.

2007-08-06T11:41:00.000+05:30

the day started on a really sad note. heard that a young girl in our apartment complex committed suicide early this morning. i might have seen her now and then, smiled at her maybe...no idea who she is. a high school student, she missed her bus and her dad told her to wait at the gate while he got the car keys. she walked to one of the blocks and jumped off the 8th floor, the roof. the enormity of it still hasnt sunk in. sometimes things are so big and deep that they just can't be squeezed into normal articulation and gasps. a life ended, casually. was it a momentary giving-in, a build-up of some emotional maelstrom, can only speculate. terribly sad.

everyday, the newspapers have atleast 4 such acts covered, the ones the press got to...how many more end up as statistics in some obscure corner, no one knows.

read an article about a guy making a film on the Golden Gate in SF and how its the suicide bridge...seemingly happy, casually walking people jump into the deep....some plan for months, some try, are thwarted and try again...some just do it. the workings of the mind are too complex for any rational explanations.

some argue its selfish, its a crime, some say its pure instinct, I own this life so I can end it too...the debate goes on. supremely ironical that it takes an obscene amount of courage to take the final step, one the society labels an act of cowardice. the primary instinct of all living beings is survival, self-preservation. to go against it knowingly, boggles the rational mind. if a second person were to intervene and try and hasten the act, the sick person will fight the attempt since the primary instinct is to survive and to live...even tho, his/her intentions are to end it all.

a life finished. period. God bless her soul and give her loved ones the strength to live on and live through this. sad.

remembering...

2007-08-04T15:35:00.000+05:30

out of the grey...just like that.

love the song, love seal, love batman...

luuuuuurrrrrvvvvee Val Kilmer.

guten tag, Tag...

2007-07-30T15:03:00.000+05:30

Nee's tag about what gets the self-righteous b**** in me. I am a pretty much laidback they-all-have-their-screwed-reasons kind of a person... but yes, there would be certain elements that would invite my sardonic wit and progressively, saliva-laden shake-like-a-demented-jelly wrath.

1. insular, parochial, prejudiced people who just can't seem to see beyond their community/traditions/state/race/genetic pool. people who are in denial of the fact that we are pretty much the same species (except for the unicellular amoebic group, to which these can easily lay claim to), the same bunch of organs and orifices under the peeling plaster. the world's shrinking and an important step towards human evolution version 9.0 is crawling out of our rocks and living like a family on this watery planet.

2. pseudo seculars, the type that particularly infests our country. I respect other religions the way I do mine (tho I treat mine more as a philosophical reference), no more no less. I will not let someone attack a religion just because its convenient and safer to do so.
faith is but the hope that keeps all living species going. the world over, political correctness has assumed epidemic-like proportions, which does not bode well for individuality.

3. the people who say they hate or love a celeb becos everyone else does / refuse to read books that fall into what they have been told or have imbibed is the lowbrow shelf. I admire and cherish the original, an almost extinct concept.

4. and finally...people who think karan johar and his group of faves is the best thing to happen to Hindi cinema.

I tag: QSG and CCC....this shd be good. :-D

random ~ tag

2007-07-23T17:16:00.000+05:30

QSG tag. 5 random facts about me.

1. Am wearing pink jammies with cows, MOUUUOOOU, MILK on them.

2. Just pulled out a handful of hair while playing with whats left of them.

3. Am sick of and yet sickeningly numbed by the daily dose of child rape, murders, female foeticide, road rage gore and front page stuff in general.

4. Am rather concerned with the bloody rains just totally incredibly skipping my part of Delhi, despite the seductive clouds just looming all over since morn, doing ZILCH. I mean WTF does it mean?!

5. I suck at nurturing any kind of long termish relation things, the glue's missing, but am a fun friend while I am one.

So there it is. Just like that.

Now to tag 5...
Nee, CCC, Laila and Rain - only if they want to. The fifth element, can be anyone...honestly.

not just words

2007-07-19T15:36:00.000+05:30

bizarre, somebody was just telling me off today for not giving captions to the pics I had shared.

----

my cook made me think today.

she regrets not having studied. given how sharp, strong and sassy she is, she would have soared heights if she had. I totally agree...around my age, with 4 kids (she married when she was 17 or 18), shes attractive, no-nonsense and pretty egoistic. her hubby's a no-good-bloke, she even lived separately with her kids for some months, in a rented shack to get rid of him and his ma...now they are all back together since her brother-in-law who seems to be a good egg, begged, wheedled her to come back and do her thing and save the rent bit.

shes handled a variety of jobs like selling veggies, assisting a tailor and other stuff...thinks she has the business acumen to start her own venture, but knows that not being literate will be a stumbling block. I prodded her to join an adult night school or ask one of her kids to teach her the basics...she seemed reluctant and stated, 'aadhi zindagi aise hi katt gayi' or 'anyway, half my life has been spent thus', which I couldnt but agree with.

As a contemporary, but from a different strata, I can hope to learn a new language, pick up a new skill, push the envelope even a decade from now, but for her, its more important that her kids get to be comfy and good and life goes on. She tells me if it werent for her kids, she would have kicked her hubby connection out of her life. That, though, transcends race, strata and even species - the maternal instinct to hang on and give up and see through for the kids.

But what is sad is that here is a bright mind that knows it can soar but is too grounded in its reality to do anything drastic. I will continue to prod her dormant urge to learn and make something of the next half of this life. Out of her brood, just one of her kids, a daughter, shows a similar desire to learn and expand her horizon. Maybe, its not a wasted case, after all.

do the to-do

2007-07-17T14:50:00.000+05:30

QSG tagged me some time back...fave ads...

since the past is kind of a blurry blob to me right now, I will try and grasp at any visions that get conjured up...hmm...lets see...just off the top of my bean, the Brit 'I'm Gorgeous' for some healthfood/snack, the old jab mein chhota ladka tha Bajaj ad, the can-you-hear-me-now Verizon, the Amul Taste-of-India, and quite some more that I am absolutely sure I have let fall through the enormous cracks in my cranium.

maybe I shd update this list when I'm really not so foggy and incredibly inert!

2007-07-09T16:20:00.000+05:30

http://www.reuters.com/article/scienceNews/idUSN0619046420070707?src=070707_1745_ARTICLE_PROMO_also_on_reuters

...as any self-respecting scifi flick buff would say, D-UUUH.

zeitgeist, 21st century, as I see it

2007-06-30T15:29:00.000+05:30

the defining note of the 21st century in human terms has to be hype.
\
everything is a product, a spin-off of the great hype machine. good, bad, doesnt matter...as long as you/it are talked about and earn your soundbytes and mugshot on media, you/it are It. paris hilton, rakhi sawant, the iPhone, global warming, posh beckham, going green, mumbai floods, somebody's wedding, obama's take, somebody's shrine, somebody's trash, somebody's scandal. the great unwashed and washed gorge on what they are fed by the rabid media.

the collective unconscious has never been more automaton-like, originality discarded for what the gurus say is cool, hip, It or uncool-cool. this mind-state transcends races and continents. follow the leaders...labels, brands, icons, cults, the buzz.

/

soft note

2007-06-29T11:47:00.000+05:30

theres something sadsweet abt knowing that you won't probably ever meet some of the random people [strangers another label] you meet when you do...es muss sein. polaroids in the mind, fading away to silhouettes, and then just vague smudgy outlines of what once was, for a minute, hour, day, days...like a whiff of a forgotten corner...poignant and beautiful.

my attic's full of these. am a collector of these. more in the moment, the immediate than in the extended, stretched.

still, sadsweet. ships passing in the night.

Kashmir, vignettes

2007-06-26T15:12:00.000+05:30

came back with a monstrous tan!

2007-06-25T17:39:00.000+05:30

now that was a trip.

Kashmir again, after 19 years....still Paradise...the scenic landscape and the beautiful people as usual, punctuated this time by soldiers...beauty and sadness, supreme.

had an amazing road trip to srinagar from jammu...visited the usual suspects, shikara-ed, gulmarg...friendly faces....the setting almost normal again...tourists by the bucket...from all over the country...the magnificent mountains surveying human folly....ageless, timeless

our driver...a crazy character...drove like a maniac through the mountains, hairpin bends and all...colourful chap...an original. tall, strapping, long hair and the occasional habitual eccentric gestures while overtaking another vehicle on a turn that can accomodate half with a gorge staring us in glee...Shaitani Naala, the spot on the highway where many have tumbled down to meet the One.

the lil kids who wanted their pics taken as I went shutter-crazy...posing for me. :-) the security forces, tough yet human, from different parts of the country, guarding a jewel.

Amazing time....memories now...forever.

bungee-jumping and some

2007-06-08T15:47:00.000+05:30

have I chomped off more than I can digest. maybe, maybe not. I get a kick out of throwing me a dare, pushing the limits just a tad. No safety net.

Have always landed on my feet, this should not be an exception. With somebody up there indulging me of course, pretty please. :-D

Life is such a BS thing, isnt it...we're all making up excuses, wearing roles, making a mess till the Exit sign lights up. And the funniest thing is we take it all so bloody seriously. Like it will matter when there is nothing left.

Some bits will remain in this dimension but I wouldnt be interested. Maybe.

Oh well, back to prodding the slacker.

mid-swing

2007-05-28T18:22:00.000+05:30

one of those times when theres lots of movement, energy and buzz. i can almost feel my self going bzzbbzzzz...static coming off of me...nice.

...

saw Metro, finally...really liked it...liked the ending, liked the fact that one of the track's end wasnt, well, an end or a happy one - more like a loose end...liked the OTT, filmy, light relief of another track...a bit like life ...loved the songs and the wandering minstrels-sutradhars...the rain, the colors, the mood, the angst, the numbness...all about amore in urbania. 'Kar salaam', the apt final tune...
....

a rainy gorgeous day today....the best and worst way to see Delhi pre-during-post-rain is in an auto...the gorgeous craters and their mucky contents splashed around, traffic chaos, people laughing and gorging on stuff...the heat and the greys.

relic

2007-05-23T15:39:00.000+05:30

dug out and wore an old tee thats been with me for aeons, I think.
a seriously ancient rag that dates back to 47 BC or some...when I was in senior school, maybe? remember wearing it to college too....and still here...one of the few things that stuck.

a baggy original (says styled in Italy on the tag) Benetton thing in black with the earth getting screwed (literally), it couldnt have made a more apt re-appearance.

might pass it down through to my grandkid...an heirloom thats beyond price tags. who knows 50 years from now, they actually might sell it on eBay or whatever rules the cyber market then, and earn some. hmm. :-D

__

its funny sweet how one can connect beyond spaces and dimensions. nice.

swap

2007-05-17T15:43:00.000+05:30

Of mangoes and Harleys ...

as another scorcher dies

2007-05-16T16:02:00.000+05:30

absolument!

2007-05-11T11:31:00.000+05:30

Update on the perfume scene. Couple of months back, found my proboscis leading me to Absolutely Givenchy - Limited Edition.

Love it! :-)

Recommended.

two

2007-05-08T16:09:00.000+05:30

da meghs are here

2007-05-02T15:23:00.000+05:30

for a day maybe. drizzled a bit....the trite geeli-mitti smell still all over the place...

a HUGE clap of thunder just now!!! holy moly! like the One up there's dropped a blessed table or some...hope it stays this way for some days. pleease.

another one...wow...!!!!

jaago Dilli jaago...

2007-04-30T16:24:00.000+05:30

the heat is consistent. 42 - 43 degrees and counting.

___

'life in a metro' shd be good...i hope its the very next flick I watch since the last Casino Royale binge.

so shd 'cheeni kum'...seems interesting...might not survive at the BO tho like 'nishabd'...auntyjis and unclejis can't digest bachchan sr. as anything but a noble, sherwani clad patriarch of a wannabe joint family a la yashraj or johar or at the least, a noble, khaki clad policewala. pity.

i kinda enjoyed his OTT, audacious and totally out-of-the-blue character in Boom, that doomed pic.

Acting is about pushing the envelope, pretending to be somebody you are not, soaring to new heights...but in apna Hindi cinema, for the most part, its all about sticking to the tried n tested and wearing designer stuff and making the family segment happy...hence, mediocrity is celebrated and incredibly hyped.

I really like Kay Kay Menon...hes a true actor...sadly, anyone who brings an amount of intensity to their role is branded 'arty' or 'offbeat' since they lack the gloss and fluff...

the influx of small-budget/indie/creative film makers and houses like Anurag Kashyap, Anurag Basu, Onir, UTV and others is a huge dose of much-needed oxygen into the hindi film scene.

Film makers can't take refuge any longer in that old lame tottering adage that the public demands the crap they get...

chauraha

2007-04-11T19:49:00.000+05:30

will I turn left, right or stick to my lane?

theres an itch building up...to learn, unlearn but not forget...collect some more.

I steer this vehicle...

will I make the leap on an impulse, old habits..., because I feel like it?

the not-knowing as always is fun. :-)

the world is waiting to be soaked up...

I hold the answers...

the question was...?

!

2007-04-10T15:45:00.000+05:30

anything for a sob!

mmmmmmm

2007-04-08T19:53:00.000+05:30

Really like the 'Inn Dino' track from Life in a Metro - it has James strumming along on the guitar...loved his Bheegi Bheegi...a huge fave. Hope the movie is as good as it seems to be....total multiplex stuff.

...

Also, the Laree Chootee from Ek Chalis ki Last Local....very catchy....

:-D

2007-04-04T12:19:00.000+05:30

while I miss the jerry-george-elaine (and kramer) nothingness/

this above all else...

2007-03-31T12:59:00.000+05:30

to thine own self be true.

been times when I felt like kicking myself for doing something but then I know I do what is true to me....even if it seems uncool and thankless.

if I didnt, it wouldnt be me.

like some wise guy in a movie said...'you can't run away from who you are'.

deep.

and true.

rising

2007-03-30T15:36:00.000+05:30

the heat's creeping up. groggy head.

the usually happy bright yellow flowers on the blue curtains seem a bit pale, but they still smile, defiantly.

and I rave in my stupor.

bored out of my skull. of everything. of you too.

thus.

..//

2007-03-25T15:24:00.000+05:30

back to growing roots again.

its funny, through all the travels and stays wherever, as soon as I touch down at IGI, its like I was never away, whether it was for days or months or years. All the moments, the routine, the new life, the faces, places, smells, feelings just evaporate and all thats left is some JPEGs, blogposts, and that old, but in my case not so trusted, memory.

I do miss that place we called home for 8-9 months and the life we had there...but all the intense nostalgia's been shredded through...landing on my feet, again. maybe its cos I've been through it before.

did feel the proverbial lump and the mist in the eyes for some minutes as we drove away...felt more sad for her since for her it was life as she knew it in the immediate moment, as all toddlers are wont to. She knows this is her home, always did remember but is slowly getting comfortable with the corners and spaces.

Life...accumulating all the experiences I can before its time to let go of all of it and unlearn all from day one.

popping up in unusual places

2007-03-13T16:42:00.000+05:30

it was weird today hearing a white lady columnist socialite or some such who had been to the Liz-Arun wedding in jodhpur squeal excitedly about the upcoming marriage of the century in India on a morning show on GMTV, when it would be held and how...how opulent it would be...she and the anchor drooled over the couple's pic and imagined how beautiful their kids would be! I scratched my head and had to check what channel I was on.!

then on Countdown recently, an Indian doc who's still the champ, mentioned in his profile that he loves watching movies with Aishwarya in it...Des O'Connor asked him if shes cute...and he said yes. :-D

went to buy some cosmetic stuff recently...and there she was predictably tho in the L'Oreal space and that watch thing too.

and now this. Just when I thought, shes gone off the radar for a bit..! Oh well.

__

Will really miss my daily fix of Countdown, D or ND etc...

wiedersehen

2007-03-12T21:15:00.000+05:30

Will be away for a bit. Moving back to Delhi in a few days. Tomorrow, the cable guys will leave us without the usual crutches.

The next chapter awaits. This one was fun. :-)

heresy or the truth?

2007-03-09T18:10:00.000+05:30

Saw an amazing docu on Channel 4 last night - The Great Global Warming Swindle. It aimed to demolish the hysteria that has built up around global warming and how human carbon footprints are driving climate change.

A brave and well-reasoned explanation of the volatile nature of climate over aeons. How it is ridiculous to think that manmade gases can create such an impact and how the true puppeteer is that burning ball of fire, the sun. The earth has been warming and cooling through the millenniums, without the help of humans.

Throughout the docu, several top-notch scientists ripped this new fad apart with the requisite data and facts....and said how they had been nearly ostracised for daring to question or refute the idea of man causing climate change!

It went on to expose at length as to how all this global warming chanting is actually a propaganda and how environmental activism is more of a political activism today. It is actually an industry now, employing thousands of people who would be out of a job if the whole premise was exposed as a sham.

It also went to say how this whole drive harbours rather sinister intentions of stalling the development of the developing countries by hanging the carbon gases-emissions guilt trip over their heads.

They'd rather countries like Africa and India use solar panels and such expensive unreliable technology to move ahead on the path of modernity while they themselves have used up God knows how many fuels and the likes.

In another special shown on the same channel, some time back, which tried to find out what all religions have to say about man's responsibility towards the earth and global warming, the presenter also went to India to question what Hinduism says about all this. In Mumbai or Ahmedabad, he actually had the gall to ask some freelancing photgrapher who was getting an AC installed, whether he didnt feel guilty doing it and how it will affect the emissions scene. The double standards were so ridiculously transparent...! This presenter chap has burnt up enough miles to fly to India and the other parts of the world he covered...and must be shacked up in a 5 star hotel with AC in the loo and can still turn around and ask this guy.

Makes you think and think again.

Passing away

2007-03-08T23:04:00.000+05:30

R.I.P, Mr. Humphries.

You made me smile and straight out guffaw...you and the rest of the staff at Grace Brothers.

Timeless and inimitable.

Seeing Mr. Lucas, Mr. Rumbold and Mr. Peacock on Richard and Judy today, remembering you, was a happy and sad moment...they've all grown so old...but they're still the way they were in my mind, frozen...in all the reruns that I've savoured.

An old favorite, close to the heart. Always.

__

Heard about the passing away of a gentleman I have met only once in my life, about 15 years ago but we'd bonded truly. he made lunch and what a lunch. he would joke that if we met after ages, I might not recognize him if we passed each other on the street, for he would be so old...a genuinely warm and friendly human being. And his wife and the rest of the extended family. felt like part of their family without any of the stupid lineage thing...

Sepia happy memories, now.

God bless.

Uh oh!

2007-03-02T23:40:00.000+05:30

http://redtape.msnbc.com/2007/03/how_far_has_vla.html#posts

there we go again!

2007-02-26T18:40:00.000+05:30

http://time-blog.com/middle_east/2007/02/jesus_tales_from_the_crypt.html

funny how so much fuss is made about what is essentially an artificial contrived concept, religion.

all the paths, books, icons, leaders, idols, rituals transmogrifying from a basic need to believe in something.

something to redeem this existence. to fill the void. finding excuses to live through the time allotted.

__

I keep telling him that if we are not alone and are part of a larger intelligent living cosmos, we must be the failed experiment, the rejects, the outcasts...given the inherent flaw in us which causes us to destroy what we must preserve, given our inability to see that we are one species in the end...hence the isolation, till now. the better, the superior, the evolved keep their distance.

__

the oscars happened. couldnt catch it live. didnt miss it though. the same tuxedos, gowns, hair, jewellery, acceptance speeches, tears and gobsmacked looks...whats new.

and life intervened

2007-02-23T21:04:00.000+05:30

it was so funny. there I was acting as a sounding board for a friend who needs to pick a new job...the pros and cons of a big corp. and a smaller joint...since I've sampled both worlds, she wanted me to just think aloud as to what I would do.

Go for a smaller set-up which offers more visibility and money and a comfy feeling or a bigger creature with its wider canvas, the feeling of being just another corporate serf/cog and a not-so-bloated salary.

in the middle of the high-falutin BS gyaan I was spouting, I had to go and change a diaper. :-D
we both laffed about it.

Life grounds you. Kids ground you down to size. Your sense of humor funnily enough only gets better with them around. Without it, you are doomed.

aww!

2007-02-23T18:35:00.000+05:30

some hopeless fan's actually gone to such efforts...nice collage though...and the song's an old fave...a love story indeed :-)

carnage, again

2007-02-19T19:14:00.000+05:30

people, innocents, burned alive...some asleep, some waking up to the horror and fighting to get out. taking a train to return home after meeting your relatives - a simple act that climaxed in a carnage.

I wonder what motivates the twisted minds behind such deeds...cannot be religion, cannot be God or any superior power or holy book.

How do they sleep at night, knowing that blood is on their hands. All this to derail a peace process, to make sure they get a piece of the disputed pie...such lengths for a piece of land. What a world we live in.

Of all the species on this watery planet, the only dysfunctional one got the super brains.

All thats left is charred remains, and belongings. Again.

Tragic.

double whammy!

2007-02-18T18:16:00.000+05:30

love this song, heard it after a loong time, and Van G's paintings...!

nada

2007-02-18T18:01:00.000+05:30

plumbing the pits

2007-02-16T20:17:00.000+05:30

something is really, manically wrong with the portal, rediff.

of late they have been plugging, sucking up to shah rukh khan, carving out a major space for him and his new KBC stuff...everyday is a new paean to this rather mediocre ham of an actor who is, it must be said, a really shrewd media-savvy box-office player. wonder if hes a stakeholder in their parent company or maybe its just pure PR.

thus, they air *exclusive* interviews with him every blessed day...Part 1, 2, 3....with him spouting classic megalomaniacal bytes...enough to make anyone retch except for staunch psychophants. they are also pretty cannily playing up the so-called clash between Bachchan and this guy. For what its worth, with the body of work that Amitabh has notched up over the years, its a no-brainer as far as the art of acting is concerned.

but if it was true and there was a clash between the veteran and the upstart, it would be wise for the latter to atleast take on someone in his league, say Aamir or Ajay...but he can't..he can't brandish anything to support his case, except the old formulaic romantic syrup hes wallowed in, thanks to the Chopras and his bosom pal (?)... and in his early and sadly, better years, the negative roles.

Its pathetic that in the Hindi film industry, the box office is still bloody everything, actors are ranked ala local cattle fair and some of the *superstars* actually start believing their hype.

The real craft of acting, the passion for cinema is lost and trampled over in this stampede for manna and fame. the definition of cinema is slowly getting horribly mutilated.

true actors like naseer, om puri, pankaj kapur, kay kay, bachchan etc and in the commercial lot - ajay devgan, aamir khan, akshaye khanna seem to be happy doing their stuff on the sidelines.

for that matter, the young turks, abhishek and hrithik too seem to be grounded and not given to ego exercises.

the way I see it, srk knows his shelf-life and his limited skill-sets and is doing what he does best - stoke up the media which in turn plays to the gallery of morons who digest all the gas they read/see/hear....eyeballs, TRPs, hits, traffic = money. not cinema. definitely not.
___

And the portal's comment space...thats just another bizarre place altogether...some are just plain vicious and uneducated, crammed full of prejudices and ignorance.

sordid and pathetic. i used to visit this site often, now its just lost its credibility.

ouch!

2007-02-15T18:35:00.000+05:30

the not-so-pretty truth!

if I was Cleo, I would have the artist pickled on the spot.

hmm...or maybe, her personality or to put it plainly her SA was so overpowering that it defined history...?

whatever...but in my bean, it will always be imperious Liz...and Richard in that amazing love-story.

'you happened to me'...SIGH.

abso hilarious...must watch!

2007-02-14T18:05:00.000+05:30

with the speakers on...

life as I call it

2007-02-13T17:49:00.000+05:30

will be another year older next month...almost lived half of my life already...looking back and looking around, not bad at all!

this last year specifically I have seen myself really change, get more assertive with myself, absorbing all the energies floating around, working on impulses as usual but in a more canny way. maybe it was because of the circumstances I chose to be in that helped me be more in touch with my inner.

have been clearer in my head about the baggage I really need on this trip...brushed away a few unnecessary strands...

still as short-tempered and silly as before...still ready with a smile and a cheerful word, still open to newness...still not available to anyone.

have enjoyed every bit of the story...more to come, maybe...but henceforth a more structured predictable storyline, I would say, like with anyone else. but I continue to remain attuned to all thats around on a micro and macro level...

so much more to go through and soak up.

'I'm gorgeous!'

2007-02-12T19:08:00.000+05:30

love that song in the Weight Watcher's commercial...have to find out more and hear more of it... :-)

such a picker-upper! :-)

after the snow.

2007-02-10T18:52:00.000+05:30

the snow on the 8th was lovely...the worst/heaviest snowfall in a decade it seems...some 7-8 cms in Reading alone...we had fun. :-)

.../

watching Naach in bits...seen it before...remembered liking it for the performances and story, even if the costumes and dances in the song n dance bits were a bit unusual....liked the title song...

realistic treatment of a relationship....dark satirical view of the film industry too...how networking and sucking up is the only way up......both the lead actors are very good...the scene in the car when the guy gets infuriated by her egoistic attitude etc....no wonder it bombed at the BO.

sad that apni junta cant swallow any experimentation or unusual takes on life...only the same formulaic candy floss fare from utterly mediocre ppl like karan johar and shah rukh khan....pathetic!

woh subah kabhi toh aayegi!

///

Want to see Black Friday and Undertrial...gritty and dark....

switched

2007-02-07T20:05:00.000+05:30

why not? dont see any earth-shattering supernova-creating effects tho...but happy for the newness. :-D

my mood is...

2007-02-07T19:57:00.000+05:30

cutting loose!

2007-02-06T19:04:00.000+05:30

finally did something which has been nibbling away inside for some time...was getting dead bored of the same coordinates and the social bits, maybe? needed space to just be myself without scrutiny.

will I do a volte-face, true to my fickle nature? doesnt seem like for now.

I like anonymity and I like change more than anything else...familiarity sickens after some time....

might return after a spell if I get bored of being with myself...

till then, its the underground for me! :-)

while on page 283...

2007-02-05T21:43:00.000+05:30

am in the middle of the book...blurb quotes some wise *critic*'the most terrifying thriller you will read all year"...which is what pulled me in...but am nowhere *near* terrified or even revved-up, sadly.

I really hope this wont be one of those lame ones that totally resemble a deflated ego by the end of it...sad and abject. But I'm still on it, hoping to scrounge out some redemptive bits from it. the premise was laughable and infantile but still could have been worked up into a froth in the right hands.

oh well, hope the plot thickens.... or takes shape, more like!

\\\

that was fun...all those kiwis in black with their drinks and high spirits behind Big Ben...celebrating their national day...rest of us gawking, hoping to catch the 'hakka' which we didnt, sadly....and the promising-to-be-really-colorful crowd scattered by the coppers...which meant we had to walk a looong way to the Tube.

\\\

Eklavya looks amazing, shd be good...and what a cast. and the director, VVC himself taking on the mantle after some time...

stubbed out.

2007-02-01T18:42:00.000+05:30

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/6319133.stm

hmm

2007-01-30T20:55:00.000+05:30

its over, she won it, made lots of money, generated lots of buzz and got a new infamous publicist to boot. the best career move shes made ever, I'd say.

I miss it a bit tho...my new-found daily fix of voyeurism...I surprised myself...usually break out in rashes with reality anything...but this one got me...switching over to E4 now and then to see what they are upto, in the live bits...characters / guinea pigs...

it must be so strange for them...boxed in there with their quirks, likes, dislikes, rants, smells for 25 odd days and then back to living out their public polished (?) image...they must miss it in private...Stockholm syndrome-ish. surreal.

wonder why I didnt take up psychology when I could....in hindsight, everything looks doable and clearer...no regrets but quite a few why-the-hell-nots?

life.

I'm IT

2007-01-25T18:38:00.000+05:30

so, got tagged by Nee...here goes...

word(s) of caution - you might need some oregano with this! :-)

Three things that scare me:
1. my mind
2. slimy wriggly blind worms
3. tiny closed spaces

Three people who make me laugh:
1. woody allen
2. groucho marx
3. anybody who hits the F spot

Three things I love:
1. Travelling
2. Having a moment with him and my lil girl
3. A crazy roller-coaster ride

Three things I hate:
1. pettiness
2. stinginess
3. negativity

Three things I don’t understand:
1. what the *&%%^ am I doing on this lil watery planet thats crammed full of idiots like me.
2. who gives people aka society the right to dictate how one should live when they have no say in one's birth or death.
3. people who can't let go.

Three things on my desk:
1. dont have a desk where I am right now so...
2. ditto
3. ditto

Three things I’m doing right now:
1. rescuing a dolphin
2. writing my paper on climate change and how it is responsible for my comp acting up lately
3. pole-dancing

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. See the great annual wildebeest migration in Africa
2. work on one of my lil dream projects
3. Bungee jump off the Angel Falls

Three things I can do:
1. Guffaw
2. Listen
3. Evolve, moult, change

Three things you should listen to:
1. the sound of silence
2. your subconscious
3. nature

Three things you should never listen to:
1. people trying to make up your mind for you
2. me singing. you might not survive the episode.
3. me not singing. I'm even worse just talking.

Three things I’d like to learn:
1. couple of languages
2. swimming
3. rock-climbing

Three favourite foods:
1. Chinese/Thai/Vietnamese
2. my mom's fried fish (among others)....heaven!
3. Nizam's/Karim's kebabs n rolls n biryani n....

Three beverages I drink regularly:
1. Tea
2. Tea.
3. Tea.

Three TV shows/Books I watched/read as a kid:
1. Chitrahaar
2. Agatha Christie/Enid Blyton stuff
3. The Old Fox

Three people I would like to tag:
I do?! alright, then...if they want to, that is!

1. QSG
2. Laila
3. Sundar
4. Rain

another theory

2007-01-23T20:32:00.000+05:30

hmm...so, not so promising for me then. :-)

___

so damn cold here since yesterday...

de-stress

2007-01-23T19:59:00.000+05:30

one of my stress-busters is a good episode of Takeshi's castle...feels good to laugh my insides out at some of the segments...maybe its a touch sadistic seeing the participants get all black n blue during their endeavour to conquer the count's castle...but hey, they all look pretty happy if foolish through all the bumps and thumps....

if Japan ever happens, will try and look up General Lee. :-)

___

was telling my hubby yest., how our lives are a bit like BB...we are all put under certain circumstances and have to find excuses, reasons to go on living till its time to be evicted..no one's a loser or a winner, in the end tho...we have our rows and flirtations, our cliques and lone-ness....one tiny planet and we all have to get along even if it means killing each other. the prob is that we're wrecking our home in the process.

wish we cd have learnt some from all the other species here that share an amazingly symbiotic relationship...and its us who're superior given the ultimate tool/weapon, the brain?

more like the weakest link, I'd say.

waxing n waning

2007-01-19T20:51:00.000+05:30

I really dont get Madame Tussauds.

I mean what is the big deal about lifelike wax statues of the famous. What purpose does it serve for the general public? So when they are dead and gone, you can still put your arm around their shoulder or kiss them on the cheek while posing for the camera...what?

I did visit the MT in Las Vegas some years ago...curiousity plus part of the touristy thing to do in vegas with the gp...took some rather silly pics with some of the celebs I'm partial too...but it all felt silly even then...trying on stupid wigs and outrageous accessories, that was fun.

so, yes I really wouldnt pay to go see or stand next to or grope wax statues...however uncanny the resemblance....the originals themselves dont seem so amazing to me so why bother with the fake....theres honestly not a single famous person I would want to meet...let alone take an autograph of or take a pic with...thats the way its been for quite some time in my world...boring.

so, dont get it, the MT thing. maybe as a record for posterity...?

___

its funny how in all the stuff abt the two actors getting hitched, there were lots of ppl ruing the guy's fate and how the lady's using him to climb up and all that stuff...

I didnt see anyone, maybe just one or two, muster up the gall to say that hey shes much more famous than him, whatever the reason, and wouldnt she be clipping her wings by marrying into such a conservative family which is clearly a patriarchal setup....she is a definite brand name...a global one at that...wouldnt she be diluting her punch by marrying into this seemingly orthodox place?

I hope its not indicative of apna public's chauvinistic leanings. Sad, if it is.

___

Saw 'Infernal Affairs' last night...really good stuff...as the quote says, almost "out-Heat(s) Mann'...

more BB

2007-01-17T21:42:00.000+05:30

Channel 4 and Endemol's laughing their posteriors off now...TRPs skyrocketing with people who usually dont have any fondness for reality tv tuning in to see what the blessed fuss is all about....its all snowballed into this big political cultural PC smorgasbord.

Its sad that the trio and the utterly single-celled BF might be seen as representative of multi-cultural Britain. If the show is, as they say holding a mirror to society, the problem runs deeper into the fabric.

M.K. Gandhi once famously replied when asked what he thought abt western civilization, that its "a good idea". Seems like it still is pretty much stuck in the conceptual form. And all it needed was an outsider, a visitor from a remote developing world to open this Pandora's box. Or not.

It might all just blow away and life will get back to its normal un-PC ways. Its no longer about the game which is funny.

But some show, this is turning out to be!

meet the trash

2007-01-16T20:45:00.000+05:30

Have been following the Celeb BB pretty closely...the prime reason being obviously the Indian factor. Today, it seems quite a lot of viewers have complained to Ofcom and other watchdogs of racism and bullying in the house. Specifically, targetted at Shilpa Shetty.

The lil clique in question that seems to not have enough of baiting "the Indian" were just plain nasty to watch in the last couple of days.

More than sheer ignorance, a very low IQ and a latent racism, it was just pure insecurity - given that Shetty is pretty much the hottest woman there who is quite popular with the guys inside. Add blistering spice to it with the fact that she comes from a world these people have no clue about and still comes across as quite confident and articulate.

She does have friendly people in there who seem as mortified as she is at the going-ons. Tho the bullies seem to have watered down a bit now

But what is most pleasantly surprising is that despite her occasional and justified breakdowns and giggles to cover her sadness up, Shetty is pretty strong and quite ready to talk it out with the others. Have to give the lady credit...shes acting with dignity and won't walk just yet, I think.

As they say, every experience, horrible or good, has a reason and teaches you something. For a person whos coming from a fairytale context like her, this is an education.

Am not so sure tho about the other group. Feel sorry for them. Wonder if its really a *developed* nation...in human terms.

much ado abt...

2007-01-15T19:00:00.000+05:30

so they've got engaged. finally. two people in love who took the next logical step. but not so simple considering the context they are in.

hope in vain that this should reduce the noise on countless forums across the online world where people evaluate the implications/motivations of the hook-up, passing value judgements (mostly on the lady) and some going to the pathetic extent of character assassination. and these are educated (i assume) people of reasonable intelligence (assuming, again)...who have: a paycheck to bring home, bills to be paid, the trash to be taken out, a good book to finish, the planet to save...

why cant these guys just accept that they're just two people in love, without reading so much of the imagined between the lines.....must be one of the occupational hazards of being a celeb these days...having people who dont know you from Eve or Adam pronounce verdicts on your past and present. and the media's on a feeding frenzy...feeding off the public response to a non-issue and seriously raking in terrific hits & the TRPs.

but I spoke too soon I think when I said this might be the end of the frenzy....rediff has a segment on what Ash and Abhi should do? LOL. I know what rediff should do...get off the topic and get a life! Report on something thats of a lil less personal in nature...what is the need to open up a topic concerning an event in two people's lives to public comment or venomous diatribes as has often been seen in its spaces! Pretty darn ridiculous and distasteful too.

Hopefully, the waters will be calm again once they tie the knot. Or not.

.|.

2007-01-08T21:14:00.000+05:30

Life is

comings and goings,

outgrowing

and trying on skins,

doors closing

windows opening

a shared laugh and idle chatter.

Life is

just passing through,

not looking back to see who turned at which corner and if there was a

goodbye, ever.

or was it I who checked out first

and did not notice

they were...where?

Faces now.

The way it should be.

Life is.